Miscarriage number two...

Round 3 of Clomid worked. I got pregnant!

The day after we found out, I started having some complications. My hormone levels were rising well but I had some bleeding. After spending some time at the hospital at an awfully early hour of the morning and returning two days later to do the hormone blood test again, we got some relief that things were going well. In fact - we started to wonder about more than one baby being in there as my hormone levels were going up so quickly! We were told to return 5 days later to do the blood test again. My bleeding stopped and my morning sickness continued. I had a great week.

Friday came and we were back up at the hospital for the blood test. The numbers should have doubled twice. They barely doubled once. Being assured by the medical staff that this sometimes happens, we headed home. I started bleeding again tiny amounts after my internal ultrasound.

The following Friday, we headed back up to the hospital for another round of blood tests. The night before my bleeding had increased a little. The test showed that my hormone had more than halved. We were told we were losing the baby.

I managed to hold it together fairly well at the hospital. The Doctor was so lovely and kept saying over and over "I'm so sorry this is happening to you". We made it to the car before I collapsed in tears. Nick drove us home where I crawled into bed and messaged our family and friends our news.

It's hard to explain what it feels like. For three years you try every month to get pregnant. You go on fertility medication to help. It makes you feel like a truck ran over your body and you have a bad case of food poisoning - but you keep at it. Finally, you get a call from your fertility specialist to tell you that your recent blood test showed a faint positive! You pee on a stick and get double pink lines. You go to pick up your husband from work with a card saying "Parent's to be" on the front with "I'M PREGNANT!" written inside with the precious pregnancy test. You cry together and laugh together. You tell your family that night because you don't care that it's early - surely after all this time and heartache of trying, nothing will go wrong! Who are you kidding? Everyone would have guessed by the sneaky smiles you give your hubby and the wide grin on your face anyway!

What makes it worse is that it's not my first miscarriage. Now I am a mother to three children - two of which never made it into my arms. I never got to hold them. I hold my precious almost 4 year old son in my arms each night as he falls asleep, terrified something will happen to him too. It's comforting to have a child to hold.

After one miscarriage, you are scared each pregnancy that something will go wrong. You scrutinise the toilet paper each time you go to the bathroom, terrified you will see the red dot of doom. You monitor your every feeling and twitch of your body, waiting for signs that it's happening again. How is it going to be next time, when I've lost two children?

They are not embryos to me. They are my children. I 100% believe that once a sperm and an egg combine you have created a child and that child has a soul, spirit and personality. Many women will tell you that they could tell their child's personality from how they acted in their womb. My mum knew my brother would be a rugby player by his forceful kicking before she had ever set eyes on him.

I know from previous experience that this grief too shall pass. I know that it will dim with time. I know that people will move on quickly while I remain stuck here for a bit longer, alone with my grief. I also know that each year I will remember on the day we lost our precious children and they day they were to have been born. Our first "Jessie" died on August 12th 2007. Our third child which we have yet to find a gender neutral name for, died on August 16th 2013. Seven years and four days apart. Jessie would have been due the same date I myself was due to be born - March 25th. Baby number 3 would have been due April 9th.

So for now, here I sit. Barely moved from the solace of my bed all day. I will get up sometime. Hopefully it will be sometime soon.

Double the fun...

Currently I am day 14 on round 3 of Clomid. Since I didn't get pregnant last month, my specialist has doubled my Clomid dose to 100mg (2x50mg pills a day).

This is also the first month that I am not doing monitoring! It is kinda weird that I don't know my stats (e.g. the CD8 blood test and CD10 ultrasound) to see how many eggs may be getting ready to ovulate. I guess this is what normal people feel like when they try to get pregnant without the intervention! I hate not knowing!

So double the dose has been double the symptoms - more headaches, more tiredness, more moodiness (sorry everybody)! I had a very hard week that week that I was on the clomid. Very emotional and crying at the drop of a hat (or perhaps sewing needle). I am slowly coming out of the fog but still remain tired. Gosh this stuff isn't too friendly on my body! I am hoping and praying that this month is it - no more meds. If I don't get pregnant this cycle or the next then I will possibly go up to 150mg clomid with also an HCG shot around CD12 to boost that hormone. Sigh. The things we do. The step after that is IVF...

Clomid - Round 2

Well last month was a bust.  Nick ended up going away for work right around the time I should be ovulating and the day he got back I got gastro for a week! Needless to say, no chance of conceiving that month!

I did get my blood work done on day 21 however to see if my progesterone levels were higher than 30 which would indicate if the clomid had worked and if I had finally ovulated.  My results came back at 33 - yahoo I ovulated!!

And so started month 2. Cycle one was 32 days in length - a vast improvement from my 11 week cycle the previous cycle! Thanks very much clomid! I didn't suffer from side effects this month like I did in the first month - nausea and headaches whilst taking the clomid days 1-5.

I had my CD8 bloods done and went in for the CD10 ultrasound.  Again the doctor had trouble finding my left ovary! Apparently I have a retroverted uterus - my uterus is angled backwards instead of forwards onto my abdomin. It's estimated 25% of women have this condition and it isn't a problem for fertility or pregnancy.  Just makes it harder for my fertility specialist (FS) to find my left ovary hiding behind it!

My CD8 bloods were 200. Last month was 335 so this month my estrogen isn't as high.  My FS said that if I don't get pregnant this month he will up the dosage of clomid next month.  He found two eggs measuring 1.1mm and 1.52mm. He thinks only the larger one will ovulate. 

All go for round 2! I kidnapped Nick for two nights over the long weekend and am so thankful he is home this time. I'm pretty sure I ovulated today (thanks to an ovulation-pee-on-a-stick test). Here's to the 2ww - 2 week wait!

Oww! my ovaries!

Ok. So excuse the obscure Simpsons reference, but Ow!

For some bizarre reason, I tend to turn into a try-hard stand up comedian when I visit my Fertility Specialist. I guess I just get nervous and try to make light of the situation by making witty comments. Such was the case today.

I had my CD10 ultrasound today. My specialist is such a lovely guy and always puts me at ease, even when I'm baring all on the table! He tends to ignore my nervous attempts at jokes - such was the case today.

After giving me my blood test results (336), I jump up on the table, ready to do an invasive ultrasound - the kind with the magic wand - and immediately notice my unshaven legs. Ali! Really?!

"Opps sorry for the legs! I mean I really should have shaved for you"

Dr: "It's ok, it doesn't bother me." - oh great. So he noticed.

"Right.... here is your right ovary... a few small follicles... nothing of note here... and now for the left ovary..."

Prod, prod, poke, poke....

"Hmmm... Umm...."

Oh come on Doc! Give me the news! I can take it!

"I can't seem to find your left ovary..."

Me: "I swear I have one! I've got pictures to prove it!"

Dr: "uh huh..."

Prod, push down on stomach area where ovary should be, poke, prod....

Dr: "oh there it is... way up there..."

Thankful that he found it, we discovered I had 1 significant egg measuring 13mm in diameter! Hurray! Yay! I have an egg ready to ovulate!

Me: "So when do you think I'll ovulate?"

Dr: "Oh I'd say it would be about 4 days time given the size of the follicle"

Drats. Nick just left today for a 5 day trip...

Praying and hoping that this little egg is running behind schedule!

My little egg...

Have you tried...?

"If you stop thinking about it, it will happen."

"Just relax and don't stress"

"You need to pray about it more"

"You need to trust God more"

" You need to ......"


For someone who suffers from infertility, you sure do get a lot of advice handed out by (usually) well meaning people. I came across a funny picture today which made me laugh and I thought I would share it with you all so you know what we have tried!

We have tried:

1. Vaginal Ultrasound
2. HSG/Hysteroscopy
3. Blood tests - 16 viles in two days!
4. Laparoscopy
5. 2-hour Glucose
6. PCOS Panel
7. Semen Analysis
8. Pelvic ultrasound
9. Hormone Testing
10. Clomid
11. Metformin
12. Temperature recording
13. Intercourse recording
14. Saliva ferning recording
15. Low fat diet
16. Chia seeds
17. Low-cholesterol diet
18. Pre-natal vitamins
19. Vitamin B
20. Nurse practitioner
21. Midwife
22. Family GP
23. OB-GYN
24. Fertility Specialist
25. Radiologist
26. Exercise
27. Prayer
28. Meditation
29. Visualization
30. Promises
31. Bible reading
32. Fasting
33. Crying...

• at church
• at baby showers
• at grocery stores
• in hospitals
• everywhere
• in the car
• in the bathroom (after negative pregnancy tests) CONSTANTLY
• in Hubby's arms
• hugging our son
• storing away James' baby clothes
• dismantling the cot
• giving away baby items

34. Different positions

35. Just relaxing

36. More sex

37. Less sex

38. Thinking about adoption

39. Thinking (and applying for) Foster Caring

40. Not thinking

41. Researching options

42. Giving it time

43. Hoping more

44. Hoping less

45. Getting a pet (Hello Mr Darcy!)

46. Worrying less

47. Worrying more

48. Being happier

49. Being thankful for James

50. Being thankful in general

51. Being less selfish

52. Trying to be a better mother to deserve another child

53. Elevating my hips

54. Taking a holiday

55. Stop trying for a month

56. Denial

57. Grief

58. Bargaining

59. Depression

60. Considering just having one child...

So there you have it - 60 things we have tried. I don't mean this post in anger or bitterness. It is just meant to be an enlightening of what couples with infertility can go through. So support your friends and family who may being going through this. It is a long and hard journey to travel through. Be kind to us :)

Round 1 of Clomid

I made it! I'm through!

I have just finished my first round of 5 pills of clomid. I had to take the Clomid once a day for 5 days from CD2-6. This little pill will help my system produce more of the hormones it needs in order to mature eggs to ovulate.

I had a fairly smooth ride with the Clomid thankfully. I have read of people having shocking headaches, nausea, hot flushes... Thankfully I only really experienced one symptom - nausea.

I didn't start to experience the nausea until CD4 (2 days into taking the Clomid). I then experienced it each day after that until the day after I finished the meds. It got worse each day culminating with the 5th day of taking the pill. I ended up with my head over a public toilet while shopping at Harbourtown! Eww! Thankfully I wasn't sick in the end but yuck it wasn't nice! I drove home with an empty shopping bag in the centre console of the car ready just in case.

So now it's on to the tests to see if I am likely to ovulate this month! Today being Monday (CD7), This is what's in store for me this week:

• Tuesday CD8 - Blood test. This is to check my hormone levels which will indicate if I am likely to ovulate and also whether it looks like I will release more than one egg. If my levels are greater than 2000 then we will be advised against trying to conceive this month as the chance of multiple pregnancy will be greater.
• Thursday CD10 - Ultrasound. This is to measure any eggs (follicles) that are present. If there are greater than 3 eggs measuring 16mm or more, then again we will be advised to avoid trying to conceive due to the risk of multiples. 

So that's what I'm doing this week. What is happening in your world?

The Clomid Cycle

I have started my first cycle of Clomid (Clomiphene).

I'm both excited and nervous about starting this journey. Clomid can give you some side effects such as nausea, breast tenderness, headaches and abdominal pain. Your body is doing some pretty significant stuff while taking this medication! Clomid works by stimulating an increase in the amount of hormone that helps to grow and release a mature egg. Basically, I have eggs but due to the hormone imbalance and other factors, my eggs just don't mature enough to release - ovulate. This medication will give it a boost of good hormones in order to make an egg mature. 

So my month is pretty much mapped out for me and detailed by my specialist. I've talked about CD's in the last post but just for a refresher - CD = Calendar Days - the amount of days since the start of my last period. 

Here is what a month of Clomid looks like:

• CD1 - Start period.
• CD2 - Start Clomid - 1 tablet/day x 5 days.
• CD8 - Blood test.
• CD10 - Ultrasound visit to the specialist.
• CD21 - Blood test.
• CD29 - Pregnancy blood test.

Phew - are you tired just looking at how much work and visits to medical facilities I have to do? They really do monitor you the whole way through the month!

Here is a breakdown of what each of these tests are looking for:

• CD8 Blood test: This blood test is to check my levels to see if it looks like I have eggs that are going to be mature enough to ovulate. If my levels are higher than 2000 then we will be advised to cancel trying to conceive that month due to a risk of multiple pregnancy!
• CD10 Ultrasound: This ultrasound is to see if there are any eggs ready to release by measuring the diameter of eggs seen on the scan. If there are more than 3 eggs measuring larger than 16mm in diameter then again, we will be advised to cancel trying to conceive. 
• CD21 Blood test: This blood test is to see how my progesterone levels are. A high progesterone level will indicate that I did indeed ovulate! Hurray!
• CD29 Blood test: To check if we are pregnant!

I am currently on CD4 (3 days of taking Clomid - 2 to go!) So far I have only had some nausea and a bit of fatigue/grumpiness. Nothing major thankfully but the smell of my favourite herbal tea this morning nearly sent me to put my head over the toilet bowl!

So - here we go!