March 25th 2008, the due date of our first child. I spent the day crying and writing a letter to our precious little one who we named Jessie when we miscarried on the 12th of August at 9 weeks pregnant. We had spent 7 months trying to conceive and were thrilled to find out we were expecting a baby! Sadly a few days after we found out I spent a day in hospital while our baby slowly passed from my body. I hadn't had any symptoms of pregnancy and with my cycle being all over the place we didn't know we were pregnant until I was nearly 9 weeks.
James and I at Taylor Dam in New Zealand, the place Nick and I had gone to cry after we miscarried 2 years earlier.
In August we will celebrate James' 5th birthday! He is our second child even though many consider him to be our first. We will always remember our Jessie even though we never got the chance to know if we are remembering a boy or girl. Of course instead of explaining all of this to most people we just answer with "yes, James is our only child". Sometimes it's just not worth it to get into an explanation with a stranger.
Our big school boy :)
James has been our blessing and our bright spark. We love him so terribly much and are so thankful to have his smiley little face in our lives. He brings us so much joy even amidst the trialling times of parenting. James my darling, I love you!
We recently named our little one we lost in August Bailey. Today we would have been due to have this little one and celebrate his or her arrival. Again sadly we miscarried at 6 weeks. I didn't have any symptoms except extreme nausea but that had continued on from the fertility medication I had taken so I'm not sure if it was pregnancy related as my hormone levels were not very high.
Today we have reason to celebrate as well. In November we will welcome our 4th child! We are incredibly blessed to have conceived NATURALLY with no fertility assistance as we had put off trying while I was in the beginning stages of my year of study so we wouldn't be due before my school year finishes. Sometimes for all our plans God knows a better way and better timing and we will be due the day my oral presentation of my literature review / thesis is due! I am not sure what's going to happen with study yet but we will figure that out. Unlike all my other pregnancies (including James) symptoms this time have been very present! All day nausea and some dry retching (ugh), breasts that feel like they've been hit with baseball bats, extreme tiredness, and crying at the drop of a hat (or Nick saying he didn't like the nursery colours I picked out - he was joking but I burst into tears!) My blood tests have all come back very strong and this in conjunction with my strong symptoms encourages us that this little one is going strong.
At just over 7 weeks, I have had people wonder why we have told some people this early - especially when we have had two miscarriages in the past. Nick and I talked about what we wanted to do and in the end we decided that we really appreciated the support and understanding we got from our family and friends during our miscarriages. It would have been hard for us to go through that alone. Another reason, and my main one, is that we consider this baby to be a real, live baby even from this young. We will celebrate our children no matter how long we have them. If you knew that your child was only going to live until their 1st birthday, would you remained worried, ignoring and not acknowledging that child with your family and friends, trying not to be excited and thankful for that year? Or would you cherish each moment, each milestone, each day you get to spend with that child. For us we are choosing to be positive and to cherish these days. After all, none of us know how long our children will be with us anyway.
So please, whilst I appreciate your concern for our 'premature excitement' - keep it to yourself. We have decided to celebrate this little miracle every day we have him or her with us - both in the womb and once they are born. Celebrate with us!