Round 3 of Clomid worked. I got pregnant!
The day after we found out, I started having some complications. My hormone levels were rising well but I had some bleeding. After spending some time at the hospital at an awfully early hour of the morning and returning two days later to do the hormone blood test again, we got some relief that things were going well. In fact - we started to wonder about more than one baby being in there as my hormone levels were going up so quickly! We were told to return 5 days later to do the blood test again. My bleeding stopped and my morning sickness continued. I had a great week.
Friday came and we were back up at the hospital for the blood test. The numbers should have doubled twice. They barely doubled once. Being assured by the medical staff that this sometimes happens, we headed home. I started bleeding again tiny amounts after my internal ultrasound.
The following Friday, we headed back up to the hospital for another round of blood tests. The night before my bleeding had increased a little. The test showed that my hormone had more than halved. We were told we were losing the baby.
I managed to hold it together fairly well at the hospital. The Doctor was so lovely and kept saying over and over "I'm so sorry this is happening to you". We made it to the car before I collapsed in tears. Nick drove us home where I crawled into bed and messaged our family and friends our news.
It's hard to explain what it feels like. For three years you try every month to get pregnant. You go on fertility medication to help. It makes you feel like a truck ran over your body and you have a bad case of food poisoning - but you keep at it. Finally, you get a call from your fertility specialist to tell you that your recent blood test showed a faint positive! You pee on a stick and get double pink lines. You go to pick up your husband from work with a card saying "Parent's to be" on the front with "I'M PREGNANT!" written inside with the precious pregnancy test. You cry together and laugh together. You tell your family that night because you don't care that it's early - surely after all this time and heartache of trying, nothing will go wrong! Who are you kidding? Everyone would have guessed by the sneaky smiles you give your hubby and the wide grin on your face anyway!
What makes it worse is that it's not my first miscarriage. Now I am a mother to three children - two of which never made it into my arms. I never got to hold them. I hold my precious almost 4 year old son in my arms each night as he falls asleep, terrified something will happen to him too. It's comforting to have a child to hold.
After one miscarriage, you are scared each pregnancy that something will go wrong. You scrutinise the toilet paper each time you go to the bathroom, terrified you will see the red dot of doom. You monitor your every feeling and twitch of your body, waiting for signs that it's happening again. How is it going to be next time, when I've lost two children?
They are not embryos to me. They are my children. I 100% believe that once a sperm and an egg combine you have created a child and that child has a soul, spirit and personality. Many women will tell you that they could tell their child's personality from how they acted in their womb. My mum knew my brother would be a rugby player by his forceful kicking before she had ever set eyes on him.
I know from previous experience that this grief too shall pass. I know that it will dim with time. I know that people will move on quickly while I remain stuck here for a bit longer, alone with my grief. I also know that each year I will remember on the day we lost our precious children and they day they were to have been born. Our first "Jessie" died on August 12th 2007. Our third child which we have yet to find a gender neutral name for, died on August 16th 2013. Seven years and four days apart. Jessie would have been due the same date I myself was due to be born - March 25th. Baby number 3 would have been due April 9th.
So for now, here I sit. Barely moved from the solace of my bed all day. I will get up sometime. Hopefully it will be sometime soon.