Wednesday, September 25, 2013

Praying for a natural conception

As you know we've been doing fertility drugs. They have been helping me ovulate as I have PCOS

Yesterday I finally started my first cycle after the miscarriage. I really felt that I want to pray for a natural conception this month. I can't get a script for the clomid I usually take until it's too late for this month. I've been really trying to get back closer to God and this idea just came to me yesterday. I don't know if it's a prompting from the Holy Spirit or just me but I think it's something that I should do. Nick is on board with this too. 

Can you join with us in prayer if you feel led? God can do anything! I know I have conceived twice without fertility drugs - our first miscarriage and then our James. I don't often ovulate on my own but I am going to pray that everything fits into place this month.

I am praying for a "normal cycle" of 28 days this month. I am usually anywhere between 5-11 weeks. I believe that God can help me have a regular cycle. 

I hope to write this month about things I come across that help me with our prayers and believing this month. I will start with the story of Hannah later this week. 

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Looking forward...

Options, options. Too many options.

I really don't know what I am thinking at the moment with moving forward with our plans for a family. On one hand I can't imagine being a one-child family having come from a family of 8 kids myself. On the other hand - maybe it would be nice just us and James?

We have so many options to consider. It's easiest if I bullet point them:

  1. Just have one child. This as I said is hard for me to imagine. I love coming from a large family and always envisioned myself surrounded by my children. It would be nice in some aspects and would allow for a lifestyle of travel and luxury in a way that having more kids would possibly hinder (unless you have money and nannies like Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt...)
  2. Continue with Clomid. This is I guess an easy option in some respects. We know it worked (even though we miscarried). My main concern with this option is that I got really sick on this and it makes trying to make a baby difficult when you are vomiting! I asked my specialist if there was anything I could take at the same time to ease the nausea and vomiting - he avoided my question. Will have to try asking again maybe?
  3. Injections. This is the recommended course of action by the specialist. Daily injections from day 4-15 of my cycle and then a booster shot two days before ovulation. This option will be more expensive for us. I hate needles and the thought of giving them to myself daily gives me the willies! 
  4. Foster care - Home for Life. This is a program run in our state that involves placing a child in 1 home until they're 18 years old. The government has 3 years once a child comes into care to decide on the long term plan for the child. If there is no chance of the child going back to his/her parents permanently, then they are placed in a "Home for Life". This option is similar to adoption in that you become their family permanently. However, the government retains the guardianship orders. There is a possibility with some children to adopt them once they have been with you for 3 years. We have already had an interview considering this about 4 months ago. We were told that with our background in foster caring (in New Zealand) and the desperation they have for families here, we could have a child in our home within 3-4 months. Then they asked us if we would be willing to have a newborn! Of course we would!
  5. Adoption. This is sadly a hard long road to take here in Australia with time frames of 5-7 years once you start the process. It can be very expensive. In Western Australia there are usually only 30 adoptions a year - 25 of those are international. Until Australia starts to realise that there are children out there desperate for families and families here desperate for children to love and comfort, this is not a very viable option for us.
    Flowchart of all Australian Adoptions 2011-2012
So now you see the choices. How on earth do we make a decision?

Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Life after miscarriage - stages of grief

It has been almost 3 weeks since we found out that we had miscarried for the second time. I've been slowly slowly getting back to normal but it's been a hard journey and continues to be. One thing that hasn't helped is my energy levels. After bleeding for 3.5 weeks I expect that my iron stores are way down. I tire quickly and no amount of rest or sleep seems to help. This has made coping with my extremely energetic 4 year old (HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!!) a challenge. Thankfully a couple of friends have had him over for play dates which has given me some respite.

Thank you so much to those who have helped us out with meals, babysitting and your kind thoughts, flowers and cards. We greatly appreciate it!

I think I've gone through almost every stage of grief lately. Here are some examples...

Denial: The day after we were told that we were miscarrying, I went to a vintage market. I did my hair and makeup and dressed up nice. I spent the day with my sister and then helped her out with a re-purposing craft she wanted to do. The day was full and I kept denying that I was exhausted and could barely stay awake by the end of it.
I have had other days where I have gone out and pretended that I wasn't breaking on the inside as well. Days where I've put on a brave face and told myself I wasn't going through anything serious at this time. I've had thoughts that perhaps I wasn't pregnant after all and was just making it up. Denying our baby existed.

Anger: The day after the vintage market I fell into a deep state of anger. I was furious! How dare God let us get pregnant only to take it away. Why bother letting me get pregnant at all? After trying so hard to conceive for over 3 years - was this some kind of sick joke? I was shaking at points and it took all within me to not throw something to smash it and wreck my house. I wanted to tear down my house and scream! I stayed in bed all day and cried at the smallest thing. I cried when I saw that Nick had (thoughtfully) wiped off our excited comments on the whiteboard about being pregnant, in case it upset me. I cried when I got stuck in the bathroom because I had forgotten my pads in another room and had to call for help from Nick. I cried when James asked me about "baby in mummy's tummy". Basically I cried all day. 

Bargaining: This is the stage of grief when people think things such as "if only I had..." or "maybe if this hadn't happened..." I think I have been having more thoughts about the next time we get pregnant. "Next time we should..." I have wondered if I had done something wrong that caused the miscarriage but can't think of anything that it could have been. 

Depression: This is the stage I'm at now. I feel as if the whole world is just asking too much of me. I want to hide away by myself and shut out the world. I can't seem to bare being around babies. It terrifies me! After having an already emotional day at church on Sunday, a lovely well-meaning friend asked me if I would like to hold her tiny newborn. To my horror and embarrassment, I just burst into tears! I can't seem to control my reactions and it leads to embarrassing situations. My way of trying to cope has been to try to avoid all young babies if possible. I'm sorry to those of you with young bubs! I am tired all the time and nothing much seems to motivate me. My deepest desire at the moment is some real rest. I long for a weekend completely by myself to just sleep, relax and recharge. Unfortunately that doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon - I'm working the election this Saturday from 7.30am until approximately 10.30pm after counting finishes!

Acceptance: I am looking forward to this stage. I know it will come in some form eventually. It did with our first miscarriage although it still saddens us to think about it. 

Through all this, I still have my faith. I still believe that God has a plan and purpose. I may never know why this happened. I may never truly get over it. But I know and trust completely that God is still with me in my time of trial and need. That He knows and understands what I'm going through. I believe that something good will still come of this situation. I am just waiting.