Tuesday, September 3, 2013

Life after miscarriage - stages of grief

It has been almost 3 weeks since we found out that we had miscarried for the second time. I've been slowly slowly getting back to normal but it's been a hard journey and continues to be. One thing that hasn't helped is my energy levels. After bleeding for 3.5 weeks I expect that my iron stores are way down. I tire quickly and no amount of rest or sleep seems to help. This has made coping with my extremely energetic 4 year old (HAPPY BIRTHDAY JAMES!!) a challenge. Thankfully a couple of friends have had him over for play dates which has given me some respite.

Thank you so much to those who have helped us out with meals, babysitting and your kind thoughts, flowers and cards. We greatly appreciate it!

I think I've gone through almost every stage of grief lately. Here are some examples...

Denial: The day after we were told that we were miscarrying, I went to a vintage market. I did my hair and makeup and dressed up nice. I spent the day with my sister and then helped her out with a re-purposing craft she wanted to do. The day was full and I kept denying that I was exhausted and could barely stay awake by the end of it.
I have had other days where I have gone out and pretended that I wasn't breaking on the inside as well. Days where I've put on a brave face and told myself I wasn't going through anything serious at this time. I've had thoughts that perhaps I wasn't pregnant after all and was just making it up. Denying our baby existed.

Anger: The day after the vintage market I fell into a deep state of anger. I was furious! How dare God let us get pregnant only to take it away. Why bother letting me get pregnant at all? After trying so hard to conceive for over 3 years - was this some kind of sick joke? I was shaking at points and it took all within me to not throw something to smash it and wreck my house. I wanted to tear down my house and scream! I stayed in bed all day and cried at the smallest thing. I cried when I saw that Nick had (thoughtfully) wiped off our excited comments on the whiteboard about being pregnant, in case it upset me. I cried when I got stuck in the bathroom because I had forgotten my pads in another room and had to call for help from Nick. I cried when James asked me about "baby in mummy's tummy". Basically I cried all day. 

Bargaining: This is the stage of grief when people think things such as "if only I had..." or "maybe if this hadn't happened..." I think I have been having more thoughts about the next time we get pregnant. "Next time we should..." I have wondered if I had done something wrong that caused the miscarriage but can't think of anything that it could have been. 

Depression: This is the stage I'm at now. I feel as if the whole world is just asking too much of me. I want to hide away by myself and shut out the world. I can't seem to bare being around babies. It terrifies me! After having an already emotional day at church on Sunday, a lovely well-meaning friend asked me if I would like to hold her tiny newborn. To my horror and embarrassment, I just burst into tears! I can't seem to control my reactions and it leads to embarrassing situations. My way of trying to cope has been to try to avoid all young babies if possible. I'm sorry to those of you with young bubs! I am tired all the time and nothing much seems to motivate me. My deepest desire at the moment is some real rest. I long for a weekend completely by myself to just sleep, relax and recharge. Unfortunately that doesn't seem likely to happen anytime soon - I'm working the election this Saturday from 7.30am until approximately 10.30pm after counting finishes!

Acceptance: I am looking forward to this stage. I know it will come in some form eventually. It did with our first miscarriage although it still saddens us to think about it. 

Through all this, I still have my faith. I still believe that God has a plan and purpose. I may never know why this happened. I may never truly get over it. But I know and trust completely that God is still with me in my time of trial and need. That He knows and understands what I'm going through. I believe that something good will still come of this situation. I am just waiting.

1 comment:

  1. I'm praying for you, Alison~ I know how difficult loss is, I've been there many times myself. I'm pouring my heart out to the Lord, on your behalf, for your future children. I pray God blesses you with *many*. My friend, Amber, who experienced losses too, told me that we at least have something (else) to look forward to in Heaven! The pain doesn't ever go away, it just somehow becomes less "in your face". Sending you big hugs, honey~