If I were to be honest with myself, I'd have to admit that I'm starting to get angry now.
We have been trying to conceive our second child for 16 months now. Endless waiting, pregnancy tests, frustration, sadness, and watching our beloved son getting older and older without a sibling. At this stage James will be at least 3 years old by the time bub number 2 arrives - if he or she ever does.
Why can't we seem to get pregnant? God don't you want us to have more kids? Is James to be an only child? With no-one to play with? How can this be? How many more months am I to sit crying and frustrated in the bathroom starting at yet another single red line pregnancy test?
Mentioning this to anyone always seems to bring on the advice "just stop trying and relax and it will happen". Those people usually never had to wait over a year to conceive. They don't understand that try as hard as you can it's nigh on impossible to relax and pretend you dont want to get pregnant this month. That each month gets you more stressed which of course doesn't help but is inevitable.
Adoption takes 5-7 years. Fostering can leave you heartbroken when the child you have come to love returns home. We have fostered teenagers before and it was hard but awesome. I want to foster again but how can I open myself up to the heartache?
I want a second chance at breastfeeding. It didn't work with James and I've always been sad about that. I want a chance to see James play with a brother or sister. I want to make baby clothes and dress MY child in them rather than everybody elses. I want a chance to have a vaginal birth rather than a c-section.
Yes, it's testing day and I'm not pregnant.