Looking back

I have just spent the last half hour re-reading my blog posts surrounding our journey of infertility and with our miscarriages. Tears formed in my eyes as I was taken back to some of those dark, lonely days. Yet here I sit - almost 35 weeks pregnant - spending my days nesting getting ready to greet this new little person.

For those of you who know us well and have journeyed with us these last 4 years we have tried to add a new member to our family, you will know how hard it has been for us. You may have seen the tears, angry outbursts, hopelessness, and grief. You may have listened as we tossed and turned the different options for growing our family around from IVF to foster care to adoption. You may have held our hand as we lost another little life to miscarriage August last year.

I want to take this moment to say thank you. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. Honestly it has been such a long journey and I still have days where I can't believe we are here, about to welcome a baby into the world.

Thank you for the meals you cooked us.

Thank you for the play dates with James to give us some rest.

Thank you for listening even when you had no idea what to say in response.

Thank you for crying with us.

Thank you for encouraging us.

Thank you for distracting us when we needed time out.

But most of all, I want to say to those who are still on the journey, to those who are still waiting for their 'rainbow' baby or even their first baby, to those who have suffered loss through miscarriage, still birth and child loss - I want to say to you that I love you so much and my heart is so full for you. I have felt your pain. I have walked where you walked - perhaps not exactly the same steps but a similar journey just the same. I just want to be able to love you in any way I can and yet often I have no idea how, despite having been there myself.

I want to encourage you not with empty words and promises that it gets better or that eventually you will receive your long waited for child. The harsh reality is that sometimes this just isn't the truth of it. I want to encourage you to discover who you are in the middle of the journey. While looking back at old blog posts I found two that brought to light how I spent time doing this just before we found out we were pregnant this 4th time around.

One post I wrote was on Identity. It looked at where we get our identity from which is particularly relevant when we feel like failures due to our lack of being able to conceive and carry a child to full term. Another post was about Reflecting and making changes. I encourage you to have a read and perhaps take this time to really evaluate how you are doing and where you are going. I'm not talking about increasing your self image or trying to justify things. I'm hoping that you will be able to discover more about who God made you to be and who you are in Him. I'm hoping that you will draw closer to Him and get your needs met by Him and not by the flimsy things of this world that can fall away in an instant. I'm hoping that despite what heartache you are currently going through that you will find rest in this time of reflection, that you will find space to grieve and space to process. I'm hoping that by doing these things and taking the time to really look at your life that you will be able to come to a new understanding and a new hope for whatever the future holds, knowing that God's plan truly is the best possible for you no matter how much we want things to be different sometimes. It made me laugh seeing a post two months before we discovered we were pregnant this time around that I had written about putting a pause on our fertility journey and how because of what I had been doing by reflecting and looking at identity, that I was ok with taking this time out. I am not in anyway suggesting the dreaded "just stop trying to get pregnant and it will happen". I know this isn't helpful and don't believe it for a second! I just find it a blessing that when I took the focus off ME and put it on HIM that I became better equipped to walk the path we had to walk.

I pray that you will find some rest and peace dear ones. I pray that things happen for you as you dream they would. But most of all I pray for you to be able to still find the joy and blessing that life is even in the midst of the trials and pain. I pray that you will find there is still life to be lived and that it doesn't have to be taken over by your pain. There is a release waiting for you, a God who wants to carry that pain and burden if you will let Him. So take a leap and let go. Face it and then allow Him to comfort you as you mourn and deal with the hard times. I hope that soon there will be a time when you can look back and see your journey through different eyes, as a journey that built your character.

We also rejoice in our suffering, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. 

And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Romans 5:3-5

*I love reading your comments! Thanks! *

Our Children

Today is a special day. Today is the day we were due to have our little baby we lost at 6 weeks last August. It has me thinking about our children.

March 25th 2008, the due date of our first child. I spent the day crying and writing a letter to our precious little one who we named Jessie when we miscarried on the 12th of August at 9 weeks pregnant. We had spent 7 months trying to conceive and were thrilled to find out we were expecting a baby! Sadly a few days after we found out I spent a day in hospital while our baby slowly passed from my body. I hadn't had any symptoms of pregnancy and with my cycle being all over the place we didn't know we were pregnant until I was nearly 9 weeks.

James and I at Taylor Dam in New Zealand, the place Nick and I had gone to cry after we miscarried 2 years earlier.

In August we will celebrate James' 5th birthday! He is our second child even though many consider him to be our first. We will always remember our Jessie even though we never got the chance to know if we are remembering a boy or girl. Of course instead of explaining all of this to most people we just answer with "yes, James is our only child". Sometimes it's just not worth it to get into an explanation with a stranger.

Our big school boy :)

James has been our blessing and our bright spark. We love him so terribly much and are so thankful to have his smiley little face in our lives. He brings us so much joy even amidst the trialling times of parenting. James my darling, I love you!

We recently named our little one we lost in August Bailey. Today we would have been due to have this little one and celebrate his or her arrival. Again sadly we miscarried at 6 weeks. I didn't have any symptoms except extreme nausea but that had continued on from the fertility medication I had taken so I'm not sure if it was pregnancy related as my hormone levels were not very high.

Today we have reason to celebrate as well. In November we will welcome our 4th child! We are incredibly blessed to have conceived NATURALLY with no fertility assistance as we had put off trying while I was in the beginning stages of my year of study so we wouldn't be due before my school year finishes. Sometimes for all our plans God knows a better way and better timing and we will be due the day my oral presentation of my literature review / thesis is due! I am not sure what's going to happen with study yet but we will figure that out. Unlike all my other pregnancies (including James) symptoms this time have been very present! All day nausea and some dry retching (ugh), breasts that feel like they've been hit with baseball bats, extreme tiredness, and crying at the drop of a hat (or Nick saying he didn't like the nursery colours I picked out - he was joking but I burst into tears!) My blood tests have all come back very strong and this in conjunction with my strong symptoms encourages us that this little one is going strong.

At just over 7 weeks, I have had people wonder why we have told some people this early - especially when we have had two miscarriages in the past. Nick and I talked about what we wanted to do and in the end we decided that we really appreciated the support and understanding we got from our family and friends during our miscarriages. It would have been hard for us to go through that alone. Another reason, and my main one, is that we consider this baby to be a real, live baby even from this young. We will celebrate our children no matter how long we have them. If you knew that your child was only going to live until their 1st birthday, would you remained worried, ignoring and not acknowledging that child with your family and friends, trying not to be excited and thankful for that year? Or would you cherish each moment, each milestone, each day you get to spend with that child. For us we are choosing to be positive and to cherish these days. After all, none of us know how long our children will be with us anyway.

So please, whilst I appreciate your concern for our 'premature excitement' - keep it to yourself. We have decided to celebrate this little miracle every day we have him or her with us - both in the womb and once they are born. Celebrate with us!

An up / down week

This week has been both good and bad.

The good:

I was incredibly blessed to receive in the mail a copy of Mrs Beeton's Book of Household Management. Wow! It was such a wonderful surprise! I'm thinking that someone who reads my blog has had it sent to me and whoever you are - I am so so thankful! I absolutely love it! I have only read snip-its so far but it's awesome!

Another awesome exciting part of my week was my doctors visit today. I just went for something small but while I was there they got me to jump on the scales and I was excited to discover that I have reached my goal weight of 60kg! I am so excited! So over the past 4 months I have lost 16kg total! Yippeee! I also measured my mannequin which I had set to my measurements in October and discovered that when compared to my measurements now, I have lost between 2-3 inches (5-8cm) all over! No wonder why my dress I wore at a wedding that I made in October doesn't fit anymore! So I have adjusted my mannequin and it is now on it's tightest setting for the hips and waist. Oh dear - better not lose any more or I won't be able to use the mannequin! So I am very excited anyway. I feel so much lighter and now when I pick up my 17kg son (just 1kg more than I used to have in excess weight) I can't believe I carried around all that extra weight! No wonder I was tired!

The bad/sad news this week for me is the Doctor Who experience coming up in March. "Whoniverse" is something I've been so excited about since it was announced in December with the chance to meet my favorite Doctor - Matt Smith! He is going to be joined by Karen "Amy Pond" Gillan and Arthur "Rory Williams" Darvill. Wow what a trio to have down under! This is the first (and most likely ONLY) time they will be in Australia and will be a once in a lifetime experience!

Sadly, prices were announced yesterday and the price just for entry is $150. I was prepared for that and somehow hopeful to be able to sell product and raise the money to pay this and then save up to purchase photographs and autographs in March while there. Unfortunately due to time and other restraints - photo opportunities and autograph opportunities will only be given to those who purchase the $650 Silver tickets or $950 Gold tickets! I am so sad and disappointed! If I had time I would save for the $650 but sadly the tickets will go on sale within the fortnight. It would have been the most incredible thing to meet these people and get photos with them. Wow I get a bit fan-girly giggly just thinking about it LOL. I'm not sure how I'd actually react if I got to meet "Doctor" Matt Smith! I think I'd giggle and just get really flustered! I did much the same when I met Colin Ferguson from Eureka at Comic Con last year!

So yes - I am a total geek / fangirl / freak / Whovian! I still hope and pray that somehow a miracle would get me a Silver ticket but I am working hard to make a general admission ticket possible. Fingers crossed aye!

*Thank you for your comments! I really love to read them!*

The Good Wife Guide - Part Two

Today I will cover points 2 and 3.

2. Prepare yourself.

    Take 15 minute to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it. 

I like to look good for my husband. Over the last 5 months after our second miscarriage, I have lost 14 kg (2 to go until my goal weight!!) Losing this weight has really helped me to become aware of my personal appearance. I'm not saying in a vain prideful way, but in a way that I look after myself and try to make more of an effort to present myself in a clean, tidy and nice way. I am usually still in bed when my husband leaves for work at 6am. If I have put some effort into my appearance that day and dress nicely and put a little make-up on, he really seems to notice it and compliments me with smiles and sneaky cuddles when he gets home. 

Let's face it. Men are designed to be approving of things that are beautiful visually. This is why the porn industry attracts more male customers than female. I want to be the most beautiful woman my husband has seen all day. The woman that makes him want to come home quickly to spend time with at the end of the day. 

I have also found that it really benefits me to have a few minutes rest in the late afternoon (usually just before he gets home). It's good to put my feet up with my son while he watches a little TV and have a breather before the madness of dinner, bath and bedtime descends. 

3. Clear away clutter. 

    Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up school books, toys, papers, etc and then run a dust cloth over the tables. Over the winter months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

This is something I have been working on lately. I get my son to help and we go through the house at around 4.30/5pm before my husband gets home and just put things back in their place. I must admit though that I very rarely dust and it is something I should probably think more about! I do wipe down the kitchen bench and clear everything away though. It helps us to have the house tidied up from the day's activities before dinner time so that we can eat, play outside with the neighbours and catch up with them after dinner, quick bath and then story time and bed to finish off the day. 

I would LOVE to have a fireplace to have a nice warm spot for my husband to put his feet up and take a breather when he gets home in the winter months. We get more hot weather here in Western Australia than cold so we have air conditioning only installed in our house. In the summertime I will have my husband give me a text when his train is nearly at our station so I can give him a ride home so he doesn't have to walk the 10 minutes in the high heat. If he walks home I will get him a tall glass of ice cold water to help cool him down after his sweaty walk home. 

Who wants to come home to this??

My husband works really hard in often boring and tiring situations at the office. I love the fact that he can come home (when I am organised and following this advice) and find rest and relaxation. I don't want him to come home to chaos and mess so that he has to brace himself before he walks in the door. It really helps our whole household by creating this haven. I definitely get a lift from it! I DO get satisfaction from providing some comfort and care to my husband. I love him and want to make our home the calm port in the storm of life. 

*Thanks to everyone who has been commenting! I really enjoy reading them!*

Reflecting and making changes 2014

2013. Hard year. One of my hardest.

Today I have been sitting in my newly organised and clean bedroom (with drawers!!) in my rocking chair and having some me time while James sleeps (he's TOTALLY going through a growth spurt!) I have intended to do these reflection pages created by a friend of mine - Amanda Viviers - for a few days now but our house has been full and busy. You can read Amanda's blog and download the reflection pages here.

I must say, these pages were great! I had been thinking during the last month that I could not wait to get out of 2013 and move on to brighter futures. My thoughts were that 2013 was nothing but an awful year. While doing these pages and writing down my answers, it became clear to me the good things that happened in 2013. Things that had been overshadowed by the negative experiences.

What was surprising is that EVERY SINGLE ONE of these things were to do with spending quality time alone with Nick and as a family with James. These are the times I value the most. My greatest moments of 2013 were when I was surrounded and spending quality time with my family. Quality time. Not watching TV. Not sitting in the same room on two different laptops. Not sewing while James plays in the other room. Quality time. My surprise weekend away with Nick. The times we have gone out as a family for a special day (even sometimes the movies). Going to Comic Con with Nick and again with James the second day. Our trip to New Zealand. Playing board games with Nick. Dreaming about our future. Talking. Sharing smiles and cheeky grins over the top of James' head when he does something funny, geeky, silly, or intelligent.

And so at the end of my reflections today, I am left not remembering 2013 for the hard year it was but remembering the beautiful. Remembering the gentle. Remembering the kind. Remembering the funny. Remembering the sweet. Remembering those quick secret moments of joy.

Two of the final prompts in the reflection pages talk about what you are prepared to do differently in 2014. So instead of New Year's Resolutions, this year I am just going to aim to work on these areas:

• Limit TV time. Turn it off when you're not actually purposefully watching something.
• Monthly out-of-the-house dates with Nick.
• Walking to school with James to grow in my health and fitness.
• Allow myself at least 1 hour a week of journal writing or reflection time alone.
• Keep the house in a better state of cleanliness and order (which I've been already working on the last month or so). Re-do the garden!
• Be more disciplined with my time.
• Save money.
• Value James and spend more one on one QUALITY time with him.
• Make more of an effort to connect with God. 
• Make relationships a priority. 
• Don't be satisfied with 'just passing' my study - aim to get great results!
• Say NO! I over commit often - I will be saying no more often this year.
• Be more disciplined with my blogging.
• Complete at least 7 things on my 30 before 30 list.

Why not head on over to Amanda's blog and do these reflection pages for yourself?

The Good Wife Guide - Part One

Today I will address the first point of the Good Wife Guide.

1. Have Dinner ready.

Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

My husband is ALWAYS hungry when he gets home from work. He travels just over an hour each way to work everyday and by the time he gets home it is around 6pm. This one just makes sense in our house. If I don't have a meal ready by the time he gets home, we eat much later and our son is tired and cranky and well past hungry. That's the practical side of it. 

I am a stay-at-home Mum and yes most of these things are more suited to someone in my situation. I don't expect it would be an easy thing to do if you worked full time. You may even get home after your husband does. This is where the attitude comes in. Of course you don't have to cook each night. My husband shares the cooking and helps out most nights. Let me put it this way for you:

Imagine. You get home after a busy day and pull into the driveway just as your husband also arrives home. Both of you are tired and have had crazy days at work. Both of you just want to relax and unwind. Your husband turns to you and says "Honey, go and lie down or read some more of that book you are reading. I'll sort dinner out". He won't take no for an answer. You gratefully lie down on your comfortable bed and read your latest novel obsession all the while hearing him potter around the kitchen. He comes in to tell you dinner is ready and you go out to find he has cooked your favourite meal all ready for you, just the way you like it. 

Ok. So what do you feel right now? Are you grateful? Relaxed? Impressed? Feeling full of love and appreciation for your husband? He didn't have to do that for you. It was his choice to put you above himself and give you time out. Take that feeling and realise that this is the gift you can give him when you choose to serve him in this way. 

But what about me you ask? What about my needs? Why should he get let off the hook and I do all the work?

It is this kind of attitude that can be lethal to a marriage. Me, Me, Me, Me. If both partners of a marriage went into it only thinking about themselves, what would that look like? How would that help create an atmosphere of love and selflessness? How will that teach your children to be caring and kind?

You can't do anything about your husband's motives apart from nagging him (unless of course he reads this and takes on board the advice as well). All you can control is yourself and your motives. Who knows, just like it made you feel loved and want to be thankful and reciprocate when you thought of your husband cooking for you like that - maybe your actions doing that will encourage him to be more giving as well.

The posts that will anger the feminists

I have long admired the fashion and values of 1950's society. The gorgeous full-skirted dresses. The hairstyles. The homely values.

These next few posts will probably anger the feminists out there. I don't apologise either. These are my thoughts and my values. If you don't agree that's fine and I don't expect everyone to subscribe to my ideas either. Just saying.

I once went to a bridal shower that had the "Good Wife's Guide" from the May 1955 edition of Housekeeping Monthly. It was read out as a joke suggesting that this advice was the last thing the bride-to-be should do as a wife. I laughed along quietly but when I went back and had a good look at what the advice said - I must admit I kinda agreed with most of it.

Now I am not a perfect wife. Heck nowhere even close! I don't follow these things completely and don't manage to stick to these values very often. I do look to them though as a guide and think that it is a way I choose to be as a wife. My husband is not demanding this of me and would never ask it of me. It is a personal choice of way of life that I am attempting to use to guide my life.

I am going to start a new blog series - 50s Fridays Series. Over the next few posts each week I will address each of the points in the guide and offer my thoughts about them and where I agree and disagree. I hope to then continue the series with 50's living tips, advice, fashion and hairstyles.

I want to bring more of these values back into my home. I think there is some cross over with the Proverbs 31 wife of the Bible as well.

So without further ado, I give you the Good Wife's Guide...

1.Have dinner ready.

Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal ready on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal (especially his favourite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

2.Prepare yourself.

Take 15 minutes to rest so you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. His boring day may need a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

3.Clear away clutter.

Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your husband arrives. Gather up schoolbooks, toys, papers, etc. and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

Over the winter months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

4.Prepare the children.

Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces, comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

5.Minimise all noise.

At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

6.Be happy to see him.

Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him.

7.Listen to him.

You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the right time. Let him talk first - remember, his topics of conversation are more important than yours.

8.Make the evening his.

Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, and his real need to be at home and relax.

9.Your goal.

Try to make sure that your home is a place of peace and tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

10.Don't greet him with complaints and problems.

Don't complain if he's late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone though that day.

11.Make him comfortable.

Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or a warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice.

Don't ask him questions about his actions or question his judgement or integrity. Remember, he is master of the house and as such, will always exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness.

Welcome to the 50s Fridays Series!

Tamoxifen

We have had a couple of cycles now without taking fertility medication. I would say months but my cycles are longer than that! Last one was 7.5 weeks! sigh...

We wanted to give my body a chance to recover and be drug/hormone free after we miscarried baby #2. It does worry me occasionally that I am taking medication designed for women with breast cancer!

As you may remember, our fertility specialist wanted us to go to daily injections as our next step. We talked and talked about it and in the end I just am not ready for that step yet. It is costly (although not as much as an In Utero Insemination - IUI - or In Vitro Fertilisation - IVF). It also means taking regular trips up to the city to Hollywood Private Hospital here in Perth for testing and more injections. Nick would also have to undergo further testing.

So my Doctor decided that there was one more drug we could try before that step. It's called Tamoxifen. I take the tablets in a similar way to the Clomoid except twice a day - days 2-6. It works out to be 20mg a day. I have now finished taking the first course of medication and am very happy to say that I had NO SIDE EFFECTS!!! Wow! This is huge for me considering I ended up so sick with the Clomoid - especially that last round where I was on double dose.

I am also thrilled to report that I have now lost 12kg! What started as weight loss due to being so sick with the Clomoid and during the early pregnancy before the miscarriage (and lets face it - the 3-4 weeks afterwards that it took for my hormones to get back to non-pregnant levels), has continued and I am only 4kg now away from my goal! I had a goal of 16kg to lose. I am also excited that I am only 2kg away from being a BMI of 25! This is the recommended weight range for someone my age and height. Losing 4kg will put me in the middle of the recommended weight range.

I have managed to do this largely to eating smaller meals and eating healthier foods. When I say smaller meals, I don't mean starving myself! I realised while I was sick that my body didn't need to eat as much as I had been eating at meal times in order to be satisfied. I think I had been overeating by eating a large meal instead of having the smaller portions recommended. Now I eat about 1/2 - 2/3rds of the size meal I used to eat. It's still a decent sized meal and I find if I try to eat more I actually start to feel ill from overeating. I'm guessing perhaps my stomach has shrunken back to it's normal size from being stretched by larger meals? I have no idea if this is biologically correct but that's what it feels like :)

It has definitely been helpful to have our Thermomix. I have to give it a shout out - we are just eating so much more healthily than before. I cook from scratch making my own pasta sauces etc so we don't have the preservatives and other bad bits. It takes me as much time (or often less) as it would using a pre-packaged sauce/packet to cook and also uses all fresh ingredients which makes it taste just so much better! I'm so pleased to be able to get more fruit and vege's into James as well.

One final thing to note. I am feeling good. I mean REALLY good. Leading up to our miscarriage and dating back years now that I think about it, I was feeling so stressed, run down, depressed and anxious. All this fertility stuff really does impact your whole life. Since losing baby #2 (yet to be named) I have really focused on 3 things which have made all the difference in my life as so many of you have mentioned that you can see the difference.

1. Spending more time with God. Reading my Bible if not every day then very close. Praying. Meditating on His Word. I feel refreshed in my spirit and soul. It's truly been like living water to a thirsty person. I am so thankful that what started out as something I really needed to encourage myself to do is now becoming something I really look forward to and can't wait. I am getting such a hunger to read more of God's Word, even though I am working my way through from start to finish as part of a 30 by 30 goal and am currently in the "boring" books such as Leviticus and Numbers.
2. Gratitude. Thankfulness. Appreciation. I have been thinking about these things so often and most often in relation to Nick and James. I am so thankful to have a loving husband who cares for me, loves me unconditionally, looks after me when I'm sick, is romantic and passionate, loves our son to bits and will do anything for our family including working so so hard so I can stay at home with our boy these last few months before he starts school. I am so thankful for our amazing son James who has finally come out of the grumpy, angry, frustrated 4 year old stage where we were having mammoth tantrums 2-6 times a day and is the most caring, considerate, quick to say sorry and apologise for his behaviour, funny, energetic, compassionate, playful and just so huggable! Gratitude. Being thankful for what I do have and looking forward to the future.
3. Getting healthy. In body and mind. Spending time relaxing when I am worn out rather than piling more things on my plate. Eating better. Trying to be more active with James. Taking more care in the way I dress and look. Going to sleep earlier. Keeping house better.

I look forward to seeing if we will have a baby to announce at New Years!

Our family trip to New Zealand 2013

We have just returned home from a trip to New Zealand to celebrate two family weddings. My sister Katrina married Richard and Nick's brother Sam married Sam (yes you read that right!)

Our trip was loads of fun and good times. We had delays on EVERY form of public transport we used (count 4 planes and two boat rides!) but we can look back on those times with laughs now that we aren't sitting in an airplane for 3.5 hours longer than we should have!

Tired travellers

Marlborough Sounds on the ferry boat

Visiting Christchurch for the first time since the Earthquakes

We got to catch up with our great friends Bruce and Treena along with their boys Ben and William. We also had a lovely BBQ at their house and caught up with friends living in Christchurch.

We got to visit Nick's cousin Stacey and James loved playing with all the toys at her house!

Spending time with my Grandparents was great and I'm so excited they are moving here to Perth this month!

Then it was time for the first wedding! We got dressed up for my sister Katrina and her husband Richard's wedding.

Aren't they a stunning couple!!

We spent some more time in Blenheim and headed to the Aquarium in nearby Picton that Nick worked at when we lived there. We got to pet Tuatara!! A very rare priviledge!

Then it was back on the boat and off to Levin for the second wedding...

We got all dressed up vintage style for Nick's brother Sam's wedding to his wife... SAM! Nick was a groomsman.

James was the page boy :)

James and I at the reception - SOMEONE ate the lollies from 4 people's lolly box placecards...

James danced the night away with his 'princess' - new Aunty Sam!

The new Mr and Mrs Sam and Sam Dight!

My new sister :)

It was so so good to spend time with Nick's parents while in New Zealand. James misses his Nana and Grandad. Hopefully they will get to visit in 2014!

International Pregnancy and Child Loss Month

We lost our first precious bundle at 9 weeks pregnant. We lost our third baby at 6 weeks. It was a traumatic and horrible experience. Unless you have been there yourself, it is hard to really grasp the depth of feeling and trauma.

This is a song I found written by Pink about her miscarriage. Stay strong everyone.

Have you tried...?

"If you stop thinking about it, it will happen."

"Just relax and don't stress"

"You need to pray about it more"

"You need to trust God more"

" You need to ......"


For someone who suffers from infertility, you sure do get a lot of advice handed out by (usually) well meaning people. I came across a funny picture today which made me laugh and I thought I would share it with you all so you know what we have tried!

We have tried:

1. Vaginal Ultrasound
2. HSG/Hysteroscopy
3. Blood tests - 16 viles in two days!
4. Laparoscopy
5. 2-hour Glucose
6. PCOS Panel
7. Semen Analysis
8. Pelvic ultrasound
9. Hormone Testing
10. Clomid
11. Metformin
12. Temperature recording
13. Intercourse recording
14. Saliva ferning recording
15. Low fat diet
16. Chia seeds
17. Low-cholesterol diet
18. Pre-natal vitamins
19. Vitamin B
20. Nurse practitioner
21. Midwife
22. Family GP
23. OB-GYN
24. Fertility Specialist
25. Radiologist
26. Exercise
27. Prayer
28. Meditation
29. Visualization
30. Promises
31. Bible reading
32. Fasting
33. Crying...

• at church
• at baby showers
• at grocery stores
• in hospitals
• everywhere
• in the car
• in the bathroom (after negative pregnancy tests) CONSTANTLY
• in Hubby's arms
• hugging our son
• storing away James' baby clothes
• dismantling the cot
• giving away baby items

34. Different positions

35. Just relaxing

36. More sex

37. Less sex

38. Thinking about adoption

39. Thinking (and applying for) Foster Caring

40. Not thinking

41. Researching options

42. Giving it time

43. Hoping more

44. Hoping less

45. Getting a pet (Hello Mr Darcy!)

46. Worrying less

47. Worrying more

48. Being happier

49. Being thankful for James

50. Being thankful in general

51. Being less selfish

52. Trying to be a better mother to deserve another child

53. Elevating my hips

54. Taking a holiday

55. Stop trying for a month

56. Denial

57. Grief

58. Bargaining

59. Depression

60. Considering just having one child...

So there you have it - 60 things we have tried. I don't mean this post in anger or bitterness. It is just meant to be an enlightening of what couples with infertility can go through. So support your friends and family who may being going through this. It is a long and hard journey to travel through. Be kind to us :)

Round 1 of Clomid

I made it! I'm through!

I have just finished my first round of 5 pills of clomid. I had to take the Clomid once a day for 5 days from CD2-6. This little pill will help my system produce more of the hormones it needs in order to mature eggs to ovulate.

I had a fairly smooth ride with the Clomid thankfully. I have read of people having shocking headaches, nausea, hot flushes... Thankfully I only really experienced one symptom - nausea.

I didn't start to experience the nausea until CD4 (2 days into taking the Clomid). I then experienced it each day after that until the day after I finished the meds. It got worse each day culminating with the 5th day of taking the pill. I ended up with my head over a public toilet while shopping at Harbourtown! Eww! Thankfully I wasn't sick in the end but yuck it wasn't nice! I drove home with an empty shopping bag in the centre console of the car ready just in case.

So now it's on to the tests to see if I am likely to ovulate this month! Today being Monday (CD7), This is what's in store for me this week:

• Tuesday CD8 - Blood test. This is to check my hormone levels which will indicate if I am likely to ovulate and also whether it looks like I will release more than one egg. If my levels are greater than 2000 then we will be advised against trying to conceive this month as the chance of multiple pregnancy will be greater.
• Thursday CD10 - Ultrasound. This is to measure any eggs (follicles) that are present. If there are greater than 3 eggs measuring 16mm or more, then again we will be advised to avoid trying to conceive due to the risk of multiples. 

So that's what I'm doing this week. What is happening in your world?

PCOS

PCOS. What on earth does that mean?

My diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome makes a ton of sense. After all these years I can finally put a name to what is wrong with me.

Ever since I began my monthlies I have been irregular. I never settled down to the 4 week cycle and it bugged me to no end. With cycles anywhere between 3 weeks to 11 weeks, I always knew something wasn't right. I saw a gynecologist when I was 17 who performed a laparoscopy but had no findings.

The Encyclopedia defines PCOS as:

Endocrine (hormonal) disorder in women, characterized by high levels of male hormones (androgens) and infrequent or absent ovulation. It causes a high proportion of female infertility cases. Symptoms vary but often include increased serum concentrations of androgens,insulin resistance, hirsutism, acne, and obesity. Menstruation may be irregular, absent, or excessive. The ovaries are usually enlarged and contain cysts.
Encyclopedia

Source: womens health

It wasn't until I went back and read the symptoms of PCOS when the light bulb went off in my head and the last 13 years of my life made more sense!

SYMPTOMS:

The symptoms of PCOS can vary from woman to woman. Some of the symptoms of PCOS include:

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating. In fact, PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility. Check!
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods Check!
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes Thankfully no!
• Cysts on the ovaries Check!
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff Sigh. Check.
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist *looks at latest photos of self* Check.
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair I don't think so?
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black  check.
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area a couple - check.
• Pelvic pain check.
• Anxiety or depression check - at times. I had bad Post-natal Depression with James but not sure that comes under this diagnosis.
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep Hmmm will have to ask Nick if he's noticed anything...
  womenshealth.gov

I also found out that many women with PCOS go on to have a higher risk of miscarriage and pre-eclampsia (high blood pressure during pregnancy) - both of which I have had. James had to be born a couple of weeks early due to my blood pressure levels being at dangerous levels and platelet count dropping (I'd bleed out). 

Everything just makes sense now. All these things I thought weren't connected actually came from the same problem! Finally I can move on and start to work towards treating (there is no cure) what I have and working towards another baby. No wonder we weren't getting pregnant if I wasn't ovulating!

If you or someone you know has many of these symptoms, I would encourage you to catch up with your Doctor. PCOS is not just a problem if you are trying to get pregnant but can also lead to some serious problems such as diabetes, high cholesterol, heart attack, endometrial and ovarian cancer. Treatment is available and a healthy lifestyle can help. 

If you suffer from PCOS I would love to hear from you!

Trying to get some answers

James was growing and becoming a fun loving little boy. We were enjoying (almost) every minute of it! Sure there were hard nights when he wouldn't sleep, breastfeeding didn't work after 12 weeks of trying and expressing full time, and we had some hard times with reflux - but all in all it was awesome!

Around James' first birthday we decided that we were ready to start to give him a baby brother or sister. The waiting game started all over again. When we had been trying for number 2 for just over a year we went to the GP to ask for some help. I had an ultrasound done. It came back showing several cysts - 5 on one ovary and 7 on the other. I was told that I didn't have "enough" cysts (at least 10 on one ovary) to be able to be diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome - PCOS. We were referred to a fertility specialist in our area. I rang to make the appointment and when I was told that it was $260 for the first appointment, we decided to try to wait a bit longer. We just didn't have the money like that at the time. 

So we waited... and tried... and negative tests... and waited... and tried... and more negative tests... You can see the pattern.

We got down. We got upset. I cried many months when the tests came back negative. Nick had to pick me up again and again. When were we going to get pregnant?! Lord why are we not having another baby yet? What is wrong with me?! I can't do what a woman is meant to be able to do!

James' 2nd birthday went by. No baby. His 3rd birthday went by. No baby. It's time we have to suck it up, save money, and see the specialist. 

This was absolutely me!

September 2012 we visited the GP again who did some blood tests. They came back with Insulin Resistance and higher levels than normal of testosterone. The Dr perscribed Metformin - a drug that manages and treats insulin resistance and is often used with diabetic and PCOS patients. I was on that for a couple of months until she gave me a referral to the specialist. 

In Jan 2013 after waiting two months for an appointment we finally saw the fertility specialist. At this stage we had been trying for number 2 for 2 years and 5 months. I was so nervous about what they would find out. The specialist was so nice and put me at ease - even though he was a male looking up there! He took a couple of swabs and ordered a full slate of blood tests, an ultrasound and a test nicknamed HSG - Hysterosalpingogram. 

I had to do the blood tests in two lots as they needed to take so many different viles! I also had to do a glucose fasting test which meant no eating from the night before - get a blood test taken when I arrived at the pathology lab before drinking a horrible yucky sugar drink - sit there waiting for 1 hour and do another blood test - sit for another hour and do another blood test! My arms were aching at the end of that! I ended up with a big bruise on one arm from the sympathetic nurse taking blood in the same spot twice!

I had to do my ultrasound on CD4 (calendar day 4 of my cycle eg 4 days after I started my period). It came back with several cysts again on each ovary. The same mostly as my ultrasound a year and a half earlier. The HSG test was something I was nervous about!! I had been told by the specialist to take 3 codeine before I had the test done. A radiologist inserts a spectrum (the duck lips they use on you to open your vagina up when you have a pap smear). Then they clamp your cervix and open it in order to insert a tube into your uterus. Once the tube is in they blow up a little balloon inside to hold the tube in place and prevent it from slipping out or moving. Once everything is in place they insert a dye. If your tubes are clear the dye will show up on the xrays as filling your uterus, down through your tubes and then spill out in a cloud into your abdomen. If you have any blockages then the dye will not show up spilling out of the end of the tube.

I expected pain and yes there was some. I think perhaps there had been a small blockage as the pain occured when they pushed the dye through. I had clear tubes but the radiologist said that the pain may have been pushing some debris out of the way before it cleared the tube. This test was done on CD 8 (needs to be done between CD7-CD10). 

Last week - 18th of April 2013 - I went back to the specialist to get my results. Yes I have cysts but again not quite "enough" to be diagnosed with PCOS. The HSG showed clear tubes. The blood tests however showed more than enough data to diagnose PCOS and so the diagnosis was made. I have high levels of insulin resistance and high levels of testosterone because of it. 

I have been put on a medication called Clomid or Clomiphene. It is a common fertility drug used with PCOS patients. I will be starting this today - Tuesday 23rd of April 2013. I will detail more about this later this week and will follow through with posts about my experiences. 

I want to say a quick thank you to those of you who have written to me to express how reading our journey so far has encouraged you or someone you know who is going through fertility issues. I really hope and pray that you will get some answers for yourselves soon! I love reading your feedback and stories so please - keep them coming!

An organised Mum

My mum said something inspirational to me today.

Remember – your house and James are your business – this is your job that God has blessed you with!

My parents with James

I don't know about you but I struggle with housework. I am not the most organised person in the world. So when it comes to making sure I am organised enough to keep my house running smoothly I find myself a bit lost in the jungle of clothes, dishes, toys and clutter.

This statement that my mum made has inspired me to take a different look at the way I think about things. I don't have a full-time job. I am a stay-at-home mum to my darling son James. What if I started organising my days as I would if I was working? If I was being paid to look after my house and my son I would put more effort into it and make sure things got done.

I have made myself a "Daily Do's" checklist of chores to do each day. These are the things that are done every day.

Daily Do's 

Prayer and Bible 

Showered and Dressed 

Load of washing 

Breakfast 

Get meat out for dinner

Make beds 

Tidy bedrooms 

Hang out washing 

Exercise: walk, dancing with James, swimming 

Lunch 

Weekly do's 

Prepare dinner 

Dinner 

Dishes and kitchen tidy 

5 minute clean up with James 

Story's and songs 

James' bedtime 

Sweep house

  

I have also made myself a "Weekly Do's" checklist of chores that need to be done on certain days. I have split the housework up between the 5 working days in order that we can relax and enjoy family time on the weekends when Daddy's home.

Weekly Do's 

Monday

Vacuum

Clean En-suite

Change beds

Write grocery list

Water plants

Master bed, James' windows

Tuesday

Mop floors

Clean laundry

Sweep garage and front porch

Groceries

Organise sewing room

Sewing/guest room windows

Wednesday

Vacuum

Clean out fridge

Clean out car/vacuum

Blog

Water plants

Theatre/kitchen windows

Thursday

Wipe kitchen cupboards

Clean out pantry

Clean oven/stove top

Cut James' nails

Organise bookshelf

Lounge/dining windows

Friday

Vacuum

Clean guest bathroom

Iron

Baking

Water plants

Laundry/bathroom windows

I leave you with one last quote from my smart mother:

Tidy House = Tidy Mind

So here's hoping this works! I'll let you know....