Tamoxifen

We have had a couple of cycles now without taking fertility medication. I would say months but my cycles are longer than that! Last one was 7.5 weeks! sigh...

We wanted to give my body a chance to recover and be drug/hormone free after we miscarried baby #2. It does worry me occasionally that I am taking medication designed for women with breast cancer!

As you may remember, our fertility specialist wanted us to go to daily injections as our next step. We talked and talked about it and in the end I just am not ready for that step yet. It is costly (although not as much as an In Utero Insemination - IUI - or In Vitro Fertilisation - IVF). It also means taking regular trips up to the city to Hollywood Private Hospital here in Perth for testing and more injections. Nick would also have to undergo further testing.

So my Doctor decided that there was one more drug we could try before that step. It's called Tamoxifen. I take the tablets in a similar way to the Clomoid except twice a day - days 2-6. It works out to be 20mg a day. I have now finished taking the first course of medication and am very happy to say that I had NO SIDE EFFECTS!!! Wow! This is huge for me considering I ended up so sick with the Clomoid - especially that last round where I was on double dose.

I am also thrilled to report that I have now lost 12kg! What started as weight loss due to being so sick with the Clomoid and during the early pregnancy before the miscarriage (and lets face it - the 3-4 weeks afterwards that it took for my hormones to get back to non-pregnant levels), has continued and I am only 4kg now away from my goal! I had a goal of 16kg to lose. I am also excited that I am only 2kg away from being a BMI of 25! This is the recommended weight range for someone my age and height. Losing 4kg will put me in the middle of the recommended weight range.

I have managed to do this largely to eating smaller meals and eating healthier foods. When I say smaller meals, I don't mean starving myself! I realised while I was sick that my body didn't need to eat as much as I had been eating at meal times in order to be satisfied. I think I had been overeating by eating a large meal instead of having the smaller portions recommended. Now I eat about 1/2 - 2/3rds of the size meal I used to eat. It's still a decent sized meal and I find if I try to eat more I actually start to feel ill from overeating. I'm guessing perhaps my stomach has shrunken back to it's normal size from being stretched by larger meals? I have no idea if this is biologically correct but that's what it feels like :)

It has definitely been helpful to have our Thermomix. I have to give it a shout out - we are just eating so much more healthily than before. I cook from scratch making my own pasta sauces etc so we don't have the preservatives and other bad bits. It takes me as much time (or often less) as it would using a pre-packaged sauce/packet to cook and also uses all fresh ingredients which makes it taste just so much better! I'm so pleased to be able to get more fruit and vege's into James as well.

One final thing to note. I am feeling good. I mean REALLY good. Leading up to our miscarriage and dating back years now that I think about it, I was feeling so stressed, run down, depressed and anxious. All this fertility stuff really does impact your whole life. Since losing baby #2 (yet to be named) I have really focused on 3 things which have made all the difference in my life as so many of you have mentioned that you can see the difference.

1. Spending more time with God. Reading my Bible if not every day then very close. Praying. Meditating on His Word. I feel refreshed in my spirit and soul. It's truly been like living water to a thirsty person. I am so thankful that what started out as something I really needed to encourage myself to do is now becoming something I really look forward to and can't wait. I am getting such a hunger to read more of God's Word, even though I am working my way through from start to finish as part of a 30 by 30 goal and am currently in the "boring" books such as Leviticus and Numbers.
2. Gratitude. Thankfulness. Appreciation. I have been thinking about these things so often and most often in relation to Nick and James. I am so thankful to have a loving husband who cares for me, loves me unconditionally, looks after me when I'm sick, is romantic and passionate, loves our son to bits and will do anything for our family including working so so hard so I can stay at home with our boy these last few months before he starts school. I am so thankful for our amazing son James who has finally come out of the grumpy, angry, frustrated 4 year old stage where we were having mammoth tantrums 2-6 times a day and is the most caring, considerate, quick to say sorry and apologise for his behaviour, funny, energetic, compassionate, playful and just so huggable! Gratitude. Being thankful for what I do have and looking forward to the future.
3. Getting healthy. In body and mind. Spending time relaxing when I am worn out rather than piling more things on my plate. Eating better. Trying to be more active with James. Taking more care in the way I dress and look. Going to sleep earlier. Keeping house better.

I look forward to seeing if we will have a baby to announce at New Years!

PCOS

PCOS. What on earth does that mean?

My diagnosis of Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome makes a ton of sense. After all these years I can finally put a name to what is wrong with me.

Ever since I began my monthlies I have been irregular. I never settled down to the 4 week cycle and it bugged me to no end. With cycles anywhere between 3 weeks to 11 weeks, I always knew something wasn't right. I saw a gynecologist when I was 17 who performed a laparoscopy but had no findings.

The Encyclopedia defines PCOS as:

Endocrine (hormonal) disorder in women, characterized by high levels of male hormones (androgens) and infrequent or absent ovulation. It causes a high proportion of female infertility cases. Symptoms vary but often include increased serum concentrations of androgens,insulin resistance, hirsutism, acne, and obesity. Menstruation may be irregular, absent, or excessive. The ovaries are usually enlarged and contain cysts.
Encyclopedia

Source: womens health

It wasn't until I went back and read the symptoms of PCOS when the light bulb went off in my head and the last 13 years of my life made more sense!

SYMPTOMS:

The symptoms of PCOS can vary from woman to woman. Some of the symptoms of PCOS include:

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating. In fact, PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility. Check!
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods Check!
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes Thankfully no!
• Cysts on the ovaries Check!
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff Sigh. Check.
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist *looks at latest photos of self* Check.
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair I don't think so?
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black  check.
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area a couple - check.
• Pelvic pain check.
• Anxiety or depression check - at times. I had bad Post-natal Depression with James but not sure that comes under this diagnosis.
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep Hmmm will have to ask Nick if he's noticed anything...
  womenshealth.gov

I also found out that many women with PCOS go on to have a higher risk of miscarriage and pre-eclampsia (high blood pressure during pregnancy) - both of which I have had. James had to be born a couple of weeks early due to my blood pressure levels being at dangerous levels and platelet count dropping (I'd bleed out). 

Everything just makes sense now. All these things I thought weren't connected actually came from the same problem! Finally I can move on and start to work towards treating (there is no cure) what I have and working towards another baby. No wonder we weren't getting pregnant if I wasn't ovulating!

If you or someone you know has many of these symptoms, I would encourage you to catch up with your Doctor. PCOS is not just a problem if you are trying to get pregnant but can also lead to some serious problems such as diabetes, high cholesterol, heart attack, endometrial and ovarian cancer. Treatment is available and a healthy lifestyle can help. 

If you suffer from PCOS I would love to hear from you!

Thanks - and baking soda

First of all - I want to say thanks to everyone who responded to my post "PND - the pits". It is truly humbling to know that I am not alone and that many of your suffer or know someone who has suffered from this debilitating illness. I urge you to speak up about it and make it known. You can't get help if no-one knows you need it!

While I may occasionally post about my journey, my main purpose of this blog is to write about my creative doings and helpful things I have learnt. And so without further ado - baking soda.

A couple of weeks ago I discovered the amazing, miraculous qualities of this fluffy white stuff. Of course I have used it in my baking and cooking but to really see what this stuff can do - you need to use it in cleaning!

I must admit, I am not the best at cleaning my shower. I tend to leave it and do it "tomorrow" which of course is "only a day away!!!" So when it does come time to clean my shower it can be a little uhh... dirty. I know I know. The shame. The horror! My mother would have a heart attack!

On this one particular day however, I decided that "tomorrow" would be "today" (no Daddy Warbucks in sight, sigh). I began to prepare my cleaning products. I only really ever use one thing to do the whole entire house. I use white vinegar. I had a premonition however that I had best check the internet and make sure you can use vinegar in the shower with tiles and grout. Thank goodness I checked! Note to self: vinegar will make your grout in between your tiles disintegrate! 

What to do, what to do. With no other cleaning agents other than toilet cleaned and James' wet wipes in the house, I decided to research a home-made cleaner for showers. My search led me to discover baking soda! I quickly made up a paste of baking soda and water, gathered an old (actually new but cheap) toothbrush and headed to my bathroom.

Setting to work with James trying to climb in the shower with me and constantly trying to keep him from putting things in the toilet, I soon was amazed by the miracle powers! Do I sound like a commercial yet?

"Try the new, improved baking soda! It's good for the environment, friendly on your hands and works miracles in the bathroom! For those stubborn stains and annoying dark spots - reach for your baking soda and say goodbye to dirt!"

After trying so many different products over the years and just not getting the showers back to how they looked in the beginning, I had finally found my answer to prayer. It is so cheap! It doesn't even require much effort. Just pop some on the end of your old toothbrush and scrub gently on the tile and grout and it cleans like nothing you've ever seen before! I am always out for ways to save money and so instead of spending $5 or more on those bathroom cleaners that don't really ever completely solve the problem, I will just head down to the supermarket and pick up a $1.50 box of baking soda.

And so in the end what can I say. Baking soda is my new best friend.

PND - the pits

PND - what is it?

Post-natal Depression is the pits. It really sucks. Honest.

For over a year now I have been battling PND, some days I win, some days I lose. Yesterday was one of them.

I ended up on the floor of the kitchen, spoon in hand, open container of yoghurt on the counter, and James in his highchair looking at my quietly as I sobbed the unattractive type of sob. I picked James up out of the highchair when he started to cry and became irrational with fear that something was going to happen to him if I put him down. After a while I was just so out of it that I found myself sitting on my bed as James pushed a box around and a friend arrived after I had supposedly text her for help. Hearing her son say "Miss Ali looks sad mummy" as they walked out the door, James in tow, in order for me to sleep and take a breath. My husband hurried home and spent the rest of the day looking after me and being concerned.

A woman with PND feels lost and alone yet they often don't want to tell anyone as they are "embarrassed" that they aren't handling things well. I have hidden most of what I've been going through out of sight. I am embarrassed, I am shy, I am too full of pride to admit I'm struggling. But enough is enough. I am through. No longer will I hide in shame and in my deep dark hole. I am going to be brave and take a leap that scares me - I am going to speak out.

I have had some very bright days in this last year of being James' Mummy. The day he started to smile, the day he said "dada", the day he started to sit, stand and walk. James is a little light in my life. He is one of the most precious things in my life. I could not imagine a better son and cheerier little boy to spend my days with.

I have also had some very dark days. Days where I just can't move. Days where I just sit, staring at the wall, unable to find the energy to get James up as he screams from his cot. Days where I have, to my shame and disbelief, yelled and screamed at him to "shut up" because Mummy can't handle it and doesn't know what to do.

Panic attacks are not a rare thing in my house. In some of my darkest times I have had more that 4 a day. I feel paralyzed, unable to help myself, panicking about everything and nothing. I am scared that if I move a tiny inch I will explode and not be able to contain myself. So my amazingly understanding and supportive husband has come accustomed to finding me, sitting very still, trying to make it through this latest attack. Contrary to what you may think - panic attacks are not all blowing into a paper bag, outwardly panicking. Sure they can be but there are other ways that people deal with them.

And so, what to do with all this gloom and doom? How can you help? What can you do if you suffer from PND and anxiety?

Here is a list of things that I have found helpful from my husband, friends and family. If you know someone who suffers - these things may help:

- Just hold me. I just need to sit in the quiet and know that I'm safe.
- I am embarrassed that my house looks like a war has been through. Please help me and remind me that your house isn't always spotless either.
- I need to sleep - take my child and give him a happy time so I can recharge my batteries and have a shower in peace!
- Let me talk. I know it may come as a shock to you the depth of what I'm going through but please just let me get it out.
- Encourage me to be outside, enjoying a walk.
- Help me eat nutritious meals and fresh fruit and vegetables.
- Pray with me and let me cry. Prayer and worship helps me to redirect my thoughts off myself and onto God.
- Encourage me to seek help. Give me permission that I might not be willing to give myself to see a counsellor and get some help.
- Love me. My husband has really made a difference when he has constantly told me that he loves me and cares for me. When I feel that I am not worth the effort due to my troubles, he comes and hugs me and tells me I mean more than anything to him.
- Tell me that you are worried. There is nothing more of a wake up call to me than to hear that despite the financial troubles, house troubles, car troubles - despite all that, you are more concerned with my wellbeing. It is surprising when I'm feeling worthless to know that I am more important that all the material things.

What can you do if you suffer?

- Turn to someone you trust and confide in them. If they brush you off - try someone else. Keep trying until someone takes you seriously.
- See a doctor. Make sure they refer you to a counsellor or someone trained to make a proper assessment. If you are told as I was to "come back in 6 months if you still feel bad" after you have cried your heart out and admitted you just can't do it anymore - SEE SOMEONE ELSE AND REPORT THE DOCTOR!!!
- Ask for help. I realise it can be embarrassing and hard to admit to someone that you need help with bub, house, food or just time out but you need to ask. Most people will  be glad they can do something practical to help.
- Remind yourself that you really are not alone. Speak up at mum's group or play group and you will be surprised at how it gives others the strength to speak up too.
- As cliche as it sounds, take things one day at a time.
- Get out of the house. Walk the block with a pram. Go to the mall. Visit someone. Go to mum's group.
- Make sure you get enough sleep. I know it can be hard with a young child/baby. Consider asking your husband or even a family member or friend to take the morning shift. I have known friends who have rung their mother and asked her to come and watch their children at 5am so they can just sleep. These parents understood that it is important to make sure they are coping in order for things to not get out of hand. Nana enjoyed the time with the grandkids too!
- This is not your fault. You are not a failure.

I am still working through this. It is not over. I still need help. But I am going to be brave. I will not hide any longer. It's time we speak up. We owe it not only to ourselves but to other mothers. Post-natal Depression and Anxiety is not something to be ashamed of. It is something that needs to be recognised.

SPEAK UP!